MANCHESTER, ENGLAND — Blaine Cherrywood, a local marketing analyst here in Manchester, was challenging an opponent to an online match of FIFA 12 when, after repeated occurrences of “malicious” and “vile” comments about Mr. Cherrywood’s skill in the game as well as suggestions that Cherrywood has “lady-parts,” decided to track down his taunter and challenged them to a game of real-life football.

The victim in this case, a 10-year-old boy, was reportedly screaming obscenities through his headset with what Cherrywood described as that “pissy little voice of his” during the entire match. Afterwards, Cherrywood became so irate with the boy that he thought the only way to resolve the situation was play the kid in a real football match to see exactly who the “jizz-drenched wanker” really was.

“Kid suggested that I was worse than Fernando Torres in that game against Man U!” said Cherrywood. “That little shit! Someone’s mum isn’t getting her pipes flushed this weekend!”

An interesting twist to the story is that the 10-year-old boy is actually Mr. Cherrywood’s boss’s son. The two have reportedly met several times over the past few years. “He’s usually a good little cunt. I just think there’s something about playing competitively online that brings out the icy nipples of ‘the Thatcher’ in all of us.” 

Probably the most insulting matter in this story is that Cherrywood also lost the real game of football that he challenged the kid to by a score of 8-2. Cherrywood said, “Guess my defending is just as bad as Arsenal. Hey-oh!”

AMES, IOWA — In a victorious struggle between man and bowels, local man, Jerrod Heisflier, officially set a world record for the longest shit sitting. In a battle that raged on for hours, Mr. Heisflier finally conquered “the beast” in hour 9 of the shit.

Medical doctors were on standby the whole time as Mr. Heisflier sent his physician, Dr. Phillip M. Gnarlberg, a tweet from the toilet alerting him of his difficult situation. Soon afterwards, Dr. Gnarlberg facebooked his doctor friends to aid him if things got “especially shitty.”

Dr. Gnarlberg said, “I got to say I haven’t seen that much shit since MTV aired that Jersey Shore marathon. I haven’t seen that much shit since the Royal Wedding. I haven’t seen that much shit since that bizarre Herman Cain ad. I haven’t seen that much shit since the latest Metallica tour. I haven’t seen that much shit since the Bush Administration. I haven’t seen that much shit since…”

During the shitting that could only be described as “epic-tacular-ification-itis-ness-ish,” Mr. Heisflier nearly passed out approximately 7 times from the pain and general discomfort from being in the “shit position” for the length of time he had.

After the shit, Heisflier said, “Holt shit! Look at all that shit! How is it possible that all of that shit came out of one person?! And to think that there is starving people in this world. They probably don’t shit that much in a year!”

NEW YORK — Leaders in the Republican Congress took sides in the Occupy Wall Street movement, ultimately siding with Wall Street, citing that “occupation of a territory under false pretenses is flat-out wrong.”

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said, “These people come in here with bongs a-blazin’ and start an occupation in a territory where they are clearly not wanted. Unless they show proof that Wall Street has access to weapons of mass-destruction to the economy, then I suggest they get out.”

The investment bankers and hedge-fund managers of Wall Street have become increasingly fearful that their penthouses will be ransacked and their precious statues that they had made of themselves would be defiled.

One such manager of a hedge-fund, Wentworth Kingston, said, “I had a statue made that depicted me as a greek god with angel wings, the tail of an arctic fox, and a 16-inch dong. And, I must say, I am deeply concerned that one of these ‘occupiers’ might position it in a slightly uncompromising manner.”

Majority Leader Cantor mentioned in his statement that if the occupiers did not disband soon, then they might have to resort to sending in the mercenaries from Blackwater to “get rid of the problem.”

HOUSTON — As an NFL announcer for CBS, famous NBA play-by-play man Marv Albert called Sunday’s game between the Houston Texans and the Jacksonville Jaguars like an NBA game.

Due to what Albert called the “bland” and “totally uninteresting” matchup between the Texans and Jaguars, he decided it would be more interesting for the viewers if he closed his eyes and pretended that he were calling an NBA game.

“I might not get a chance to say ‘You’re watching the NBA on TNT’ this year, so I figured I would do a bit of fan-service and call this one as if it were an exciting matchup between the Lakers and Heat.”

During one of the touchdown passes from Texans quarterback Matt Schaub, Albert called it this way, “LeBron James working in an iso on the right side. He spins, takes it to the hoop. Yes! Lebron James throwing it down with authority- showing the razzle-dazzle.”

HIs broadcasting partner, Rich Gannon, seemed to enjoy going along with Albert with his experiment. Gannon thought that perhaps one of the stranger calls was during a kickoff that went for a touchback. As Albert described it, “4 seconds left in the first half. Throw into Kobe. Kobe takes the shot- from downtown. Yes! Kobe Bryant with a sensational shot from midcourt to put the Lakers up by 2 at the half. Let’s send it down to Craig Sager who is with Bryant, now, on the sidelines. Craig.”

HOLLYWOOD — With a shocking number of films on the horizon severely lacking in the increasingly important Rashida Jones quotient, all the major film studios announced that Rashida Jones will be cast in all the movies.

While the actress’s film credits have grown to a status of near ubiquity, especially in Paul Rudd flicks, many movie-goers are demanding more Rashida Jones action. 

“Whenever I see Rashida Jones in a movie I immediately perk up,” said Henry Oliver. “She’s just one of those actresses that I would watch do anything- especially sex. I would definitely watch her do sex.”

Studio executives have noted that it would be difficult to fit Ms. Jones into all their movies as she already has a pretty busy schedule. This, however, has not slowed them down as they are working with Peter Jackson’s Weta Digital (who helped create Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies) to create a CGI version of Ms. Jones to insert their films.

“This will ensure the movie going public that they will no longer have to sit through any of our movies without seeing the lovely and talented Rashida Jones,” said Amy Pascal of Sony Pictures. “We are very much looking forward to seeing Ms. Jones in all sorts of quirky best friend roles in the years to come.”